Tuesday, 5 February 2013

How to Write about Norway

This is a satirical piece based on How to Write about Africa by Granta. 

On the cover of the book always have a picture of snow, the fjords, salmon or trolls. If you do included salmon you must make sure that it is the biggest salmon anyone has ever seen so the Norwegians don’t offend when they realize that the salmon is from Scotland.

Always use the words ‘fjord/s’, ‘frostbite’, ‘snow’ or ‘lutfisk’ in your book. Treat Norway as if it is under snow the whole year round. Write about people freezing and people having to scrape snow off their windows but never write about how they don’t shut down when there is a metre of snow unlike England.

Find a way to convey the idea that Norwegians are not just farmers that work on the icy land all year round, they do have jobs in heated buildings. You know that the Norwegians will be reading it because nothing is ever written about them because they are too far north for anyone to ever spend anytime there without feeling out of touch with the rest of the World.

When you are describing the people make the women out to be very tall, blonde and with high cheekbones. But the men as broad, hairy farmers with feet and hands as hard as nails. They must seem like they don’t speak much english but once they are comfortable they will go on speaking for hours about the latest movie which yes they watched in english.

Really make the human, polar bear relationship is visible. Them being so deep in snow, they really talk to the animals when they get lost and there aren’t many humans around. Build up their fires like it is a culture and that they don’t have central heating.

Just remember they have descended from Vikings therefore we are either king and polite or cold and they don’t show their emotions.

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